First date

August 13, 2017

Nicole and I met yesterday.

I got into the airport Friday night at 10:30 pm and made it to my apartment with my parents by 1:15 am. We crashed, woke up and drank coffee, walked about 2 miles that morning with my mom, then showered and drove down together to the cities.

I lied and told them I was meeting my best friend at the food truck music festival instead of saying it was Nicole. They don’t know Nicole and there’s no way for me to describe her without coming right out and saying that was a date I was about to go on with her.

But it was and they didn’t know and they hugged me and left and I sat in the stands a while and waited for Nicole who showed up, apologizing that I had to pay for my own ticket in, though I hadn’t really thought twice about it before she said that. We talked for forever in the stands (like a few hours), with a local rock band playing screamo in the background. Finally, went to grab food at one of the food trucks and she immediately paid for me. I did offer and she took control, which doesn’t get any less awkward of a moment for me in dating situations. So we sat and ate and talked more and eventually hugged before we parted ways.

I went out then stayed the night with my best friend. I did have to come out to her when I first got to her apartment, and right after the date, which I made quite uncomfortable. I realized as I was coming out that I couldn’t have her think I liked her, so I emphasized that, and all for nothing because I love her and should’ve known she would have the best reaction on the planet.

“Why did you tell me not to freak out? That’s so normal, also, when are you going to see her again?” ♥

I met up with Nicole again today before I left to drive back to my apartment. She brought her dog and we walked a few miles on the bike trail that runs through both cities. We talked more and more and agreed to try and find a weekend soon that works to see each other again. We hugged, and she kissed me on the cheek, which I couldn’t stop smiling.

I don’t want to be an hour from her. I really want things to work and I can’t help feeling doubt that this won’t lead to anything more when I really really really really want it to.


“We’ll be okay”

August 12, 2017

We’ll be okay.

In the back seat of a car ride home my mother pauses…

…let’s the silence amplify her coming question…

…”How’s the bipolar and all?”

So soft, so patient.

It’s good, I say.

Good, my father whispers. We’ll be okay.


The car ride home with my parents from Chicago Midway Airport after the summer in New Mexico.

Walking with mom

August 12, 2017

My mom and I had two long talks today about where I am now and how the summer changed me. I’ve been feeling myself change all summer, but needed to reinforce to her how important this felt to me. Part of it is accepting the bipolar and going for weeks without reminding myself I have it. It’s just apart of me now, and I’m glad I don’t have to think about it, because I feel the depression has directly warped the last two years of my life up here.


Coming out

August 9, 2017

Still in Red River, New Mexico, but just for a day and a half more. Then, its back to Illinois, and family and teaching. 

I’m so fucking excited to go back. 

To see family.

To meet Nicole.

To see Liz.

I’m so fucking scared to tell Liz that I like girls.

What if she thinks I like her?

Or have liked her? Because I haven’t ever felt that way about her. 

I promise.

Back to Illinois in a day and a half where I need to figure all this shit out and not make it as fucking hard as I’m making it seem now.