iPhone – Ms. England

December 30, 2017

When one look at her new Facebook profile picture of her and her girlfriend actually makes you nauseous because you’re still in love with her.

I mentioned her to my girlfriend once I don’t think she suspected anything.

They’re still dating.

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Extra Instagram

December 30, 2017

Alright. So, I finally made an extra email for an extra Instagram account. With that said, I may also still make a Twitter from the extra email account.

I joke on here about my mania side wanting to be famous for my writing, but I feel the need to emphasize that’s not the purpose of all these accounts. I don’t keep daily written journals by my beside and inconsistent blog posts when I’m overwhelmed, and hundreds of iPhone notes, and pictures saved from Snapchat with captions of the places and feelings that went with them at the time just because I want someone to like it. I keep everything documented in all forms and compartments of my life because I know without writing it down, I will probably (98% sure I will) forget it. Depression consumes a majority of my days, and even when I’m me I still have a poor memory. Blame it on lifelong bipolar or antipsychotics or anxiety or whatever you’d like. Regardless, I have a poor memory, and I hate that quality about myself.

I love rereading journals from college and on (I threw away all journals from middle-high school, though I desperately wish I didn’t). Every little day or crush that I thought I would remember forever has to be jogged back, but it’s a welcome thought to review all my previous stresses or obsessions or frustrations with a different mind. It’s comforting to know those experiences weren’t lost or forgotten. That each little day mattered.

And I love getting the words out of my mind. Thoughts that won’t leave me alone do so once I put them in words on a page or screen.

So, I now have just one hardcopy journal that sits on my nightstand. I have one blog that I try to be completely honest on, and in extreme situations have made those extra honest posts into private status because they’re just kind of too awful for another human to read. I have two Instagram accounts, but only one of which I actually post about my bipolar and bisexuality and general tendency to be a complete asshole; on the other, I try and convince the world I am a high functioning heterosexual adult foodie without any sexual partners or self-destructive tendencies…

Maybe I’ll get a Twitter, or maybe I’ll put all extra effort into the Instagram to make sure all little iPhone note posts or blog entries get transferred directly to that account.

I think the most exciting thing about the extra Instagram account is that it’s public and honest. I can talk about anything on there and anyone can read or like or follow me and it’s all just out there. It reminds me of being a nude model in college and that surrender of control and worry about other’s opinions or judgements. I would undress, keep my eyes open, and settle into a position for 3 solid hours. That job taught me to let go of my physical insecurities and be vulnerable. Sometimes, the vulnerability scares me more than the fear of failure.

 

Fear of leaving

December 27, 2017

I’m feeling so many emotions, so many right now that I want to sob. I don’t cry at home though. That’s another long story, but my family gets so upset when I cry in front of them. They accuse me of being unstable for days after they see me cry, so I just try and keep it together when I’m home.

I really want to cry though. I just emailed both of my principals (my most respected ones) and asked for a reference letter so that I can start applying to other schools for next year. The one I’m most intimidated by replied back to me; “Of course. Makes me sad but I understand.”

I can be a narcissistic asshole in all areas in my life, except at my job. At my job I am deeply insecure and self critical. Knowing an authority figure at my job respects me enough to send a sweet email in reference to my leaving makes me feel so good and sad all at once. My first immediate thought was to type back that I was just kidding, that really I would probably stay at my job at that school forever.

I’m terrified of moving. I know it’s all I’ve talked about for months now, but that’s because I just want to be someplace different. The actual process of moving for the first time since starting teaching is almost enough anxiety to make me never want to leave. I’m good at this job, I love these people I work with, why should I ever leave?

Because the pay is low and the area is poor and I’m far from family. But I want to move out of state where I’ll be even further from family? But that’s because I want to move to Denver and I know better than to justify my fear and never act on my dreams. So why apply to BloNo? Is it just for Liz or Nicole (who you are probably breaking up with next weekend)? It feels like it’s for them or it’s for family, which makes me nervous. But what makes me more nervous is still not knowing where I should be looking to move when I’m only months away from that decision. Living in BloNo with Liz would be cost efficient, but what if she never wants to leave the state? Moving to Denver for August seems too drastic.

My anxiety spirals in my head with this daily. I might have a headache from all the hours spent worrying today about those three emails I just sent. There’s so many open questions that I can’t answer for months, which is why I have the doctor’s appointments for more meds and a counselor set up for next week. I am preparing for this spring because I know it’ll be stressful.

Only a little sliver of myself is excited to move. The majority of me is terrified and stressed and confused, but I don’t think I’m wrong with this decision, which is comforting. I think moving is the correct decision for this coming year because staying at my current job would just be me settling with what is comfortable and safe for me. I have bipolar and anxiety and panic attacks, but I am high functioning with all of them. I’ve gotten this far with this many memories and successes because I’ve challenged myself and constantly stepped out of my comfort zone. Moving is the harder choice for this coming year, but it still feels like the right one.

A gigantic cry is waiting for me when I get back up north and dang will it feel good. I can keep it together until then.

DBSA Meeting

December 18, 2017

I went to the DBSA group therapy meeting tonight for the first time. I plan to go again when it starts back up in January.

Therapy like this is important and incredible to be apart of, just as it’s a solid reminder to be compliment with treatment. You need support with any major illness, mental disorder, mood disorder, loss, abuse, etc. You need counseling, you may need medication, and with some of those situations; you may be willingly seeking the treatment. I write about the things I have had or currently experience because those are the subjects I know. As much as it’s right for my family to know I have bipolar and panic disorder, it’s more important for my actual support system to be made up of friends, counselors, or therapy friends who can relate and understand what I am going through. Pity, worry, or disappointment aren’t emotions that help me correct my depression/hypomania because those emotions don’t make any difference. Correction, they make me feel ashamed of something I can’t help.

Just today, I locked in a January appointment with my psychiatrist to discuss medication and get a new prescription. Tonight, I attended the community DBSA group therapy at the hospital. Tomorrow, I plan to call back about setting up a counseling appointment with one of the local psychologists. I’m back on medication with the intention of long term use. Granted, right now I’m feeling good. This is all a different story when I am depressed or eventually get tired of taking such calculated care of myself. (I feel like I’ve talked in other posts about how strict my weekly exercise schedule and gain-weight-diet-plan is.)

So, I’m nervous that someday in the future I will be non-compliant with treatment again. I’m also nervous walking into the spring semester because some of my most severe depressions have started around January. But, I have to emphasize on here and mostly to myself just how drastically different I am today compared to one year ago. At this point, I have so much hope and confidence back in myself. I feel strong and at ease with the diagnosis, which is a feeling I never thought I would get to. For the longest time, I was still making up speeches in my head how I would propose to my psychiatrist that I was wrong about the symptoms I’d described and that I was actually probably just depressed not bipolar, so could he just give me a new diagnosis so I wouldn’t have to carry this one with me forever?… It’s taken so long to get to this point of acceptance, and I have to remember how important that is.

Hiding the truth

December 17, 2017

My world seems so much wider after I come out with a huge truth.

Going home for the holidays this time last year was painful and confusing because I was going through a breakup and coping with a recent bipolar diagnosis. I lashed out at everyone and silent cried at night almost half the time I was there.

Weird family dynamics I’d rather not explain make it impossible for me to cry or show any great emotion in front of my parents. I hid the breakup, the diagnosis (which was the worst to hide), and oh, the ongoing questioning of my sexuality. It was just a lot to keep inside, and I hadn’t had a good moment to debrief with Liz.

I feel so much relief thinking about going home this year to a family that knows and has had time to process it. I know I’m not going to get a bunch of questions about it or any dramatic emotional breakdowns from my mother about all her failures contributing to my mental illness, or anything.

There’s still the sexuality I eventually need to come out with, and man is that a heavy secret. And I’m still not solidly stable, but I’m comfortable and proud of my current treatment plan. I’m thankful I told my family about the bipolar and panic disorder and they took it on well.

Also, I’m back on meds as of December 9th 🙂