iPhone – Bus feelings

January 17, 2018

Certain days I just have to accept I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. I am thinking as if I got hit by a bus. My motor movements are slower. My brain is mush. My memory is nonexistent. Did I take the wrong medications last night? I don’t think so. Am I going to feel like this after every night of taking this new medication until my mind adjusts? I seriously hope not. Ouch, it’s only Wednesday. Ouch, it’s only 2nd period and I’m not ready for 4th.


Getting tired

January 13, 2018

I plan (with time because I’m quite busy) to print the blog posts from this site, both private and public, then delete this account permanently. 

I’ve deleted an account before in order to start this one when I wanted a fresh break from my previous multi-year string of depressive/suicidal posts. The last 40-some posts on this account have documented my acceptance of my sexuality and mental illnesses. There are depressive posts in those 40-some, but no suicidal ones, I haven’t felt that low in years.

My reasons for deleting this account are not because I worry about privacy or “taking a break from social media,” because this isn’t exactly social media.

I have recently found a very good psychologist who I see twice a month for “mindfulness” (formally CBT) therapy to help with my panic disorder and occasional bipolar mood swings. I have also recently started a new medication, and am taking it consistently and compliantly, wow. The psychiatrist I go to listens well and started me on an anti-depressant in addition to the anti-psychotic to attack the severe anxiety and panic I was still feeling. I feel healthy.

This blog feels unhealthy.

I have felt this for a while now. As much as I post that each blog post is for me to get my thoughts out of my brain, that’s not all I hope the post does. Journaling is a proven coping  skill for anyone with a mental illness, and it does feel good when the thoughts empty onto the screen. However, there’s still a part of me who uses tags on all my posts, who checks the notification icon, who hopes that people will find the post funny or inspirational or well-written. There’s still a part of me that hopes people will like my blog posts. Or that someday, this blog really will make me famous, like I joke my mania says.

I see celebrities or Youtube stars who have bipolar or are bisexuals and who are famous, and although in my reality I keep those to personal facts concealed, part of me hopes fame would be something obtainable if only I took more of a platform on these traits.

I am so close to being in a happy place with my mind.

A huge part of my therapy is separating all my strings of thoughts (my inner narrative) and acknowledging those thoughts before letting them go. It’s accepting that those conditions I have, the sexuality that I am, the job I work, the clothes I wear, or the friends that I have (or the millions of other traits) are apart of my life but do not define my true self. I am getting to know the person I am beneath everything and without anyone.

In order to be healthy, I need to make sure my journaling is only to get the thoughts out of my head. I bought a new journal that sits beside my bed side now. So, the final reason to delete this blog permanently is to practice acknowledging my thoughts and letting them go. To not be reminded of the entry I wrote about months go by a random follow or like.

I have accepted my bipolar and panic disorder. I have finally come out about my bisexuality and am currently dating a wonderful human. I am coming to a happy place with myself that I need to treasure and be mindful of.


Snow day

January 8, 2018

We had an ice day today! (no school)

Thank God. I realized very quickly this morning that I was in no way ready to teach little minds. There are a lot of school weeks where I think to myself on Sunday night, “How in the hell are you going to get through this week?” Or even better pep talks: “You will not make it through this week. I see you having a mental breakdown before the end of it.” Legit, most weeks I am surprised when I make it to Friday in one, semi-managed piece. Or when I actually remember everything I was supposed to do, it really is a shock to me, like an out of body congratulations to my mind.

So I made egg salad today for my lunches this week, and prepared the green beans and radishes for munchies. I even submitted lesson plans, answered all work emails, made lunch and coffee for tomorrow, took meds, and am 75% done with paperwork. I feel like a smidgen more prepared for tomorrow than I was yesterday. Yikes, just let me make it through this week, then hopefully I can see Nicole.

New year

January 7, 2018

I had to post in this moment because it feels like a mini triumph of self-acceptance.

I’m getting good at analyzing my moods. Like the feeling of ants beneath my skin versus actual muscle spasms. Or being lazy and not leaving my apartment all weekend versus a depressive episode and the feeling of being trapped in my mind, or even better, a panic attack where I literally cannot leave my apartment.

I can’t tell yet if the new med is working. My doctor started me on an antidepressant in addition to a mood stabilizer. He said the antidepressant should help with the extreme anxiety I’ve been having. High hopes, man, high hopes.

It’s freezing rain outside, so my only goal today is to make it to the gas station in an hour or so, and to finish paperwork.

Happy new year, back to school, and better mind!