“I feel like I annoy you”

Instead of answering that, I told you that there are some times I want to know how you’re doing. Just some times.

I don’t know why I keep track of him, or message him occasionally. I feel so far away from the girl I was when him and I were meeting up. He was the third person I slept with.

The girl in deep v-necks and short shorts meeting up in dark parking lots or abandoned fishing spots by the lake. The girl who liked sex best in public spaces or at night on his bed in the blue glow of the TV static.

He private messaged on Facebook almost exactly as Ben and I stopped sleeping together for the summer. I went home and added Seth as my number three. Seth and I met up on and off for the next 4 years. Every time we just got a little closer as people, never dated, just there for each other through the years.

Sometimes he did annoy me, but never for reasons that were his fault.

Back then, more than anything, I wanted control over my life. I don’t blame myself anymore for wanting that. Just, when I look back and think of Seth, that need follows and I don’t like it. I don’t like all my memories from those years where the rape was still so fresh.

Thank you, Seth: “Well I think pretty highly of you to be honest. Always made me feel like I had your attention when we were together which I do cherish. I don’t often feel like I matter to ppl but you always made me feel like I have value to you. If that makes any kind of sense.”

It does. I tried to answer the best I could.

 

 

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Remind me where that is

I don’t know how to hold myself together anymore.

I don’t recognize myself, who I’ve become in the last 6 months.

“Remind me where that is” was the name of my old blog. It’s the saying I repeat to myself when I feel lost like this. Lost at sea.

Like the waves of the sea, help me get back to me. bd6866bbe7b7547b436dad6ffb566b4a.jpg