October 12, 2017

Can 2018 be here already? I want to see the new jobs on the IL ISBE job bank. I want to start planning my life outside of this town. I want to not fucking work at this school anymore.

I want to be reckless and move to a city just because that’s where my best friend lives, as well as the lesbian girl I’m dating.

I want to fucking be out and queer and proud. Because it feels like the last step; like I’ve taken all the other steps to accepting and being proud of myself and being out as a queer woman (out to everyone) is the last one.

I’m fucking bipolar, on the good days and the bad.

I fucking teach and I’m fucking amazing at it.

I’m queer as fuck and I need everyone to know.

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October 3, 2017

I’m transitioning off meds again. I feel like they’re frying my brain. Constant headaches, empty feelings that won’t go away, the zombie feeling that’s making it difficult to wake up in the morning. I haven’t had any contact with my psychiatrist. I plan to walk myself off Seroquel then schedule an appt. with my general doctor for anti-depressants.

Antipsychotics aren’t working. It’d be easier just to get my meds through my gen. doctor anyway.

August 13, 2017

N and I met yesterday.

I got into the airport Friday night at 10:30 pm and made it to my apartment with my parents by 1:15 am. We crashed, woke up and drank coffee, walked about 2 miles that morning with my mom, then showered and drove down together to the cities.

I lied and told them I was meeting my best friend at the food truck music festival instead of saying it was N. They don’t know N and there’s no way for me to describe her without coming right out and saying that was a date I was about to go on with her.

But it was and they didn’t know and they hugged me and left and I sat in the stands a while and waited for N who showed up, apologizing that I had to pay for my own ticket in, though I hadn’t really thought twice about it before she said that. We talked for forever in the stands (like a few hours), with a local rock band playing screamo in the background. Finally, went to grab food at one of the food trucks and she immediately paid for me. I did offer and she took control, which doesn’t get any less awkward of a moment for me in dating situations. So we sat and ate and talked more and eventually hugged before we parted ways.

I went out then stayed the night with my best friend. I did have to come out to her when I first got to her apartment, and right after the date, which I made quite uncomfortable. I realized as I was coming out that I couldn’t have her think I liked her, so I emphasized that, and all for nothing because I love her and should’ve known she would have the best reaction on the planet.

“Why did you tell me not to freak out? That’s so normal, also, when are you going to see her again?” ♥

I met up with N again today before I left to drive back to my apartment. She brought her dog and we walked a few miles on the bike trail that runs through both cities. We talked more and more and agreed to try and find a weekend soon that works to see each other again. We hugged, and she kissed me on the cheek, which I couldn’t stop smiling.

I don’t want to be an hour from her. I really want things to work and I can’t help feeling doubt that this won’t lead to anything more when I really really really really want it to.

August 12, 2017

My mom and I had two long talks today about where I am now and how the summer changed me. I’ve been feeling myself change all summer, but needed to reinforce to her how important this felt to me. Part of it is accepting the bipolar and going for weeks without reminding myself I have it. It’s just apart of me now, and I’m glad I don’t have to think about it, because I feel the depression has directly warped the last two years of my life up here.

 

August 9, 2017

Still in Red River, New Mexico, but just for a day and a half more. Then, its back to Illinois, and family and teaching. 

I’m so fucking excited to go back. 

To see family.

To meet N.

To see L.

I’m so fucking scared to tell L that I like girls.

What if she thinks I like her?

Or have liked her? Because I haven’t ever felt that way about her. 

I promise.

Back to Illinois in a day and a half where I need to figure all this shit out and not make it as fucking hard as I’m making it seem now.

 

July 30, 2017

N and I have a date planned for the day after I get back. L has officially moved there as well. About 75% of me is already planning out the next year of my life with N, including eventually moving down and in with her next year. I wish I was joking, or not taking this as seriously as I want it to turn out to be.

Taking this year from sex and moving to a different state (even if it was only for a few months) feels more than necessary. At first, I took a break from sex and relationships because I wasn’t interested in anyone, and hugely depressed. Then, when the depression transformed into a bipolar diagnosis, my focus warped around that news and how to live and deal with it. As the months have stretched on, I tried a few dates with guys and a girl and still nothing stuck. So I read more, and got on a normal sleeping schedule, and cooked more, and moved across the country for the summer. And things didn’t change much at first. I still had to work out here, I still drank and made instant friends with the rebel from work, as always. But slowly, things did start to change, inside. I started going places alone, forcing myself at first, but still going. Going to restaurants, bars, going dancing, exploring different cities (Taos, Santa Fe) , taking local transit, even traveling 8 hours to spend the night, Airbnb style, in Santa Fe, alone. I stopped worrying who was judging me for eating or traveling alone to the point where I don’t even think about it anymore.

I’m to the point where I deeply enjoy being alone, not because I don’t want anyone else, but because I’ve come to love myself that much. What started as depression and pulling away from relationships has become the best (and longest) relationship I’ve ever held, and it’s been with myself. 

Since I was young, I’ve always had a vice. Porn, alcohol, drugs. When I lost my virginity at 18, I really lost it. At first, I slept with a few men out of heartbreak. Then dated a few, badly. I was terrible at relationships. Then cheated on one with another guy. Then really spiraled. I’ve slept with nearly 30 people, and I eventually expect that number to grow. There was no break in the sex either. Maybe a few months, that being the longest break in time since 18. Until last December, thats when I officially stopped. I’ve still drank and smoked a few scattered times while being out here this summer, but nothing sexual.

This is the most important thing I’ve done for myself. I know myself now. I know my beauty, my worth, my strengths, the things that have made me brave, that I’m more than my fear or my diagnosis, that it’s still possible for me to grow.


I found out the little silly things that take away from who you define yourself as. How I don’t only have to like beer because it makes me seem cooler to guys. Hell, I’m allowed to take myself to a fancy, candlelight farm-to-table restaurant alone, only to figure out that their homemade Strawberry Kombucha and Bourbon cocktail is a $12 drink to be proud of.

 

How I don’t have to propose my coming out as bisexual as a question if the other person is okay with it or not. I’m fucking queer and I’m not afraid of your reaction. I intend to date this girl because I really fucking like her and I just need you to know this about me now so you don’t have to figure out on Facebook, because I do value you.

How important it is to keep writing and drawing, not just saying it’s something you like to do. How cool it really is to love poetry so much that when someone asks what your favorite artist is, your automatic response is to list off a spoken word poet because you know that counts as music.

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How important it is to know and love your body. To know how strong your bones are, and how many bruises they can birth. How much fun it is to finally get a visible tattoo, one that you see daily that simply reminds you how badass you are.

To enjoy your own touch. 

I love myself. It was important to take this time in order to fall in love with myself. Whoever I come to date, to sleep with, to marry in the future will only be a compliment to the love that’s already inside me. 

June 9, 2017

So, two days before I left for New Mexico for the summer, I told my parents/sister about my bipolar and anxiety. My mom cried, my dad moved on, and my sister was and remains to be pretty open and accepting about the “coming out.” All were quite happy I wasn’t pregnant or gay, which sucks.

I like it here, but I want to drink tomorrow, and skip meds. The last part is more safety so I don’t have side effects from the medicine. The bulk and importance of going out tomorrow is finding a bar, or multiple bars, and to drink. I need to drink, badly.

I want to be reckless. I want to be with a woman. I want to be drunk. I want to be attractive to everyone. I want to be fun to be around. I don’t want to feel inadequate anymore, so I’m not going to feel that way.

It is time to start being deliberate in my life again. I am in control.