January 13, 2018
I plan (with time because I’m quite busy) to print the blog posts from this site, both private and public, then delete this account permanently.
I’ve deleted an account before in order to start this one when I wanted a fresh break from my previous multi-year string of depressive/suicidal posts. The last 40-some posts on this account have documented my acceptance of my sexuality and mental illnesses. There are depressive posts in those 40-some, but no suicidal ones, I haven’t felt that low in years.
My reasons for deleting this account are not because I worry about privacy or “taking a break from social media,” because this isn’t exactly social media.
I have recently found a very good psychologist who I see twice a month for “mindfulness” (formally CBT) therapy to help with my panic disorder and occasional bipolar mood swings. I have also recently started a new medication, and am taking it consistently and compliantly, wow. The psychiatrist I go to listens well and started me on an anti-depressant in addition to the anti-psychotic to attack the severe anxiety and panic I was still feeling. I feel healthy.
This blog feels unhealthy.
I have felt this for a while now. As much as I post that each blog post is for me to get my thoughts out of my brain, that’s not all I hope the post does. Journaling is a proven coping skill for anyone with a mental illness, and it does feel good when the thoughts empty onto the screen. However, there’s still a part of me who uses tags on all my posts, who checks the notification icon, who hopes that people will find the post funny or inspirational or well-written. There’s still a part of me that hopes people will like my blog posts. Or that someday, this blog really will make me famous, like I joke my mania says.
I see celebrities or Youtube stars who have bipolar or are bisexuals and who are famous, and although in my reality I keep those to personal facts concealed, part of me hopes fame would be something obtainable if only I took more of a platform on these traits.
I am so close to being in a happy place with my mind.
A huge part of my therapy is separating all my strings of thoughts (my inner narrative) and acknowledging those thoughts before letting them go. It’s accepting that those conditions I have, the sexuality that I am, the job I work, the clothes I wear, or the friends that I have (or the millions of other traits) are apart of my life but do not define my true self. I am getting to know the person I am beneath everything and without anyone.
In order to be healthy, I need to make sure my journaling is only to get the thoughts out of my head. I bought a new journal that sits beside my bed side now. So, the final reason to delete this blog permanently is to practice acknowledging my thoughts and letting them go. To not be reminded of the entry I wrote about months go by a random follow or like.
I have accepted my bipolar and panic disorder. I have finally come out about my bisexuality and am currently dating a wonderful human. I am coming to a happy place with myself that I need to treasure and be mindful of.