I met a girl in early May. We started dating 2 weeks ago and 1 week ago I fully tapered off/then quit cold turkey from my psychiatric medications.
The withdrawal symptoms are described in a recent post, but in short, that week was physically AWFUL. Still, I get little heart flutters and am slow to stand up. The nausea has mostly died down and the migraines are gone (thankfully).
The new symptom is the crying spells. I saw an old picture of my sister’s elementary soccer team posted on Facebook and bawled for hours last night. My sister is alive and well and living with my parents, but just seeing her little baby face in that picture still brings sad, desperate tears.
Why? I couldn’t figure it out with the timing because I’m no where near PMS and the physical withdrawal ended last week. So I googled it. It’s apparently super normal for people (major depression and bipolar 2 patients alike) to experience crying spells lasting for hours and suicidal idealization after withdrawing from the same anti-depressants and antipsychotics that I did.
So the fact that I’ve spent about 6 combined hours between last night and tonight crying over my baby sister’s elementary soccer photo is justified.
Do I want to tell my new girl about the crying spells? No, mostly from shame and a little from worry. Bipolar 2 keeps me from talking about it because I’m either stuck worrying that my loved ones will instantly think my crying spells or low thoughts mean I’m suicidal, and I don’t want to worry them. Or, that I don’t have a good enough reason to be sad, so I feel ashamed of my puffy eyes and scratchy throat.
My new girl’s been through hell and back with her physical disease and even though she knows about my Bipolar and tells me I have every right to feel pain and sadness and struggle on some days, I still feel like I don’t have a good enough reason to be crying compared to everything she’s been through and the way she handles all of it. And what I’m describing is textbook for how a lot of depressive/Bipolar people feel about their disorders, I know this. I know I should be able to feel all of these intense emotions (now more so since coming off the medications) and be open with loved ones, especially my girlfriend, about this, but I’m still ashamed of it. I want to feel all the emotions, just not the sad-for-no-reason ones? I know that’s not how it works.