BetterHelp

So, I’ve been absent from blogging partially because I’m not depressed or manic, partially because I’m freaking out about school starting soon and can’t really put those feeling down, and partially because I got a counselor through Better Help to help me carry over until the point where I can actually go see a counselor in person. My insurance through this school is different and my appointment with my new primary doctor isn’t until the end of August, so I’m not sure when I can actually get in with a counselor I like. I didn’t think I could wait until September with all the stuff on here I’ve been opening up about so I’m trying Better Help in a desperate attempt to stay okay for awhile.

I got a tiny discount, which makes it easier to be okay with, and it’s actually helping? I didn’t expect to feel relief so soon, but I do and it’s nice.

Also, 20% sure I saw Nicole at Hyvee yesterday. If she recently shaved part of her head and dyed the remaining swoop purple, then I definitely saw and purposely ignored her while having mini internal panic attacks in the gourmet cheese section.

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Leg work

On my end will be the mental stuff

Like telling myself I’m good enough.

I want you to make me strong

So everyone else knows it.

But really, I’ve joined 2 running groups, a biking group, 1 yoga studio, and 1 gym with hopefully 1 personal trainer.

Time and place

When was a time where you came the closest to killing yourself?

A lightening storm in ’08…

Not when you were still just thinking about it.

A college dorm in ’11…

But when you almost left.

A kitchen floor in ’16…

So only a few times, that’s no so bad…

Relief

There was a statement I read off a suicide prevention blog back in high school.

“If you kill your self then you will never be around long enough to feel the relief of death, your last moments on earth will be in pain.”

Every time a suicide idealization came back into my thoughts I’d remember this sentence and it would instantly bring me back to reality again. I wish I could remember what site I was on or had some way of letting that person know just how powerful that sentence was, just how many times it saved my life over the last 10 years.

Family

Me to my dad as he continued to talk over me: “YOU DON’T GET A VOICE. YOU DON’T GET A VOICE.”

Him: “I always like your natural hair better. Why did you have to dye it so reddish?”

*It’s not red, but with box dye (after a bad professional job that turned the back of my hair orange), it’s the closest I could come to my natural reddish brown color*

Him: “It looks like you have a worm in your ear.”

*Daith piercing, which I was extremely open and upfront about the purpose of getting it to help with my anxiety/panic disorder* He still doesn’t believe I have either disorder.

Him: “You know, I’ll always be willing to pay to have those tattoos removed.”

I got them so I could fucking cope with my world. My world of bipolar and ptsd and queerness and independence and anxiety.

I got them to fucking cope and none of these things are a joke to me. 


Everything he criticizes me about are all the things I’ve done to help myself, but I’ve tried to be as respectful as I can about them. My tattoos are mostly hidden, I don’t talk about my mental health openly anymore, my hair is always dyed a natural hair color (also for work), and I am fucking stable, always.

I just want, deep down, I just want my dad and mom to be proud of me. I want them to be proud of all of me, not just the things I’ve done and the independence/space I’ve created. I won’t get them to love the tattoos or hair dye or girlfriends I bring home or even accept that I’m gay. I really wish they would, but at the very least, I wish they wouldn’t openly tell me how disappointed they are. I wish they’d keep those comments, those thoughts, to themselves.

I dread hearing how much of me they don’t like.

Withdrawal

So, I’m going through withdrawal from anti-depressants and anti-psychotics at the moment. It’s awwwwwwful. I’m nauseous/vomiting, dizzy, tired, sore, shivering then burning up, irritable, and most of all, I have the worst headache on Earth. One that’s so bad I’m considering if I’m experiencing mini migraines.

I’ve gone officially 2 nights and almost 2 full days without taking any Seroquel or Lexapro and the side effects are already better now than they were the first day. I’m hoping (and after reading almost every Seroquel/Lexapro 1st page Google review withdrawal story) I’m expecting these nightmare days to be over within this week. I was weening myself off 75 mg of Seroquel and 10 mg of Lexapro. I was weening myself off both over the last few weeks until 2 nights ago when I was finally down to 5 mg of Lexapro and about 20 mg of Seroquel when I decided to quit cold turkey.

At the time of quitting cold turkey I just figured withdrawal wouldn’t be tooooo bad because I’ve already walked myself off both drugs (only ever one not both) at different times and though I had headaches or nausea, it was never this unmanageable. Lexapro withdrawal is kind of a godsend because it’s just this out-of-body floating high that fluctuates throughout the day. The Seroquel withdrawal is the bloodiest beast. Seroquel is the one giving me these killer headaches and nausea and cold sweats followed by heat flashes that turn into me running to go puke every other hour (again, much better than even a day ago). Finally followed by these mini migraines where I can’t stand light or noise and my brain feels a little too swollen to be resting instead my skull and I can’t sleep without waking up with neck or back pain (elbow and knee pain is most likely from the rain outside and the cramps are from my period) and I just feel like I can’t get anything done when I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO this week because I’ve only got 10 days left in this place before I move out.

And maybe a little stress thrown in on top. GAHHHHHHH I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate this pain. I hate hate hate how terrible these drugs are and I can’t believe and am so frustrated that they exist to help someone if they felt that terrible to be on and are this impossible to stop taking. It’s so tempting to take a mini dose just to lessen the withdrawal, but I don’t think it would. Plus, I don’t ever want either of those back in my system ever again.

I found a holistic mental health doctor who’s got me set up on a supplement schedule that I will hopefully not have to take for the rest of my life and even with taking them now, DON’T GIVE ME WITHDRAWAL and are not harmful to my system down the road or like right now.

I’m so angry at the mental health world for those terrible medications being the first option given when they are so painful. Why aren’t those the last possible option they give us to try? I’m done, so done, and so ready to be done with this pain.

Fear of leaving

December 27, 2017

I’m feeling so many emotions, so many right now that I want to sob. I don’t cry at home though. That’s another long story, but my family gets so upset when I cry in front of them. They accuse me of being unstable for days after they see me cry, so I just try and keep it together when I’m home.

I really want to cry though. I just emailed both of my principals (my most respected ones) and asked for a reference letter so that I can start applying to other schools for next year. The one I’m most intimidated by replied back to me; “Of course. Makes me sad but I understand.”

I can be a narcissistic asshole in all areas in my life, except at my job. At my job I am deeply insecure and self critical. Knowing an authority figure at my job respects me enough to send a sweet email in reference to my leaving makes me feel so good and sad all at once. My first immediate thought was to type back that I was just kidding, that really I would probably stay at my job at that school forever.

I’m terrified of moving. I know it’s all I’ve talked about for months now, but that’s because I just want to be someplace different. The actual process of moving for the first time since starting teaching is almost enough anxiety to make me never want to leave. I’m good at this job, I love these people I work with, why should I ever leave?

Because the pay is low and the area is poor and I’m far from family. But I want to move out of state where I’ll be even further from family? But that’s because I want to move to Denver and I know better than to justify my fear and never act on my dreams. So why apply to BloNo? Is it just for Liz or Nicole (who you are probably breaking up with next weekend)? It feels like it’s for them or it’s for family, which makes me nervous. But what makes me more nervous is still not knowing where I should be looking to move when I’m only months away from that decision. Living in BloNo with Liz would be cost efficient, but what if she never wants to leave the state? Moving to Denver for August seems too drastic.

My anxiety spirals in my head with this daily. I might have a headache from all the hours spent worrying today about those three emails I just sent. There’s so many open questions that I can’t answer for months, which is why I have the doctor’s appointments for more meds and a counselor set up for next week. I am preparing for this spring because I know it’ll be stressful.

Only a little sliver of myself is excited to move. The majority of me is terrified and stressed and confused, but I don’t think I’m wrong with this decision, which is comforting. I think moving is the correct decision for this coming year because staying at my current job would just be me settling with what is comfortable and safe for me. I have bipolar and anxiety and panic attacks, but I am high functioning with all of them. I’ve gotten this far with this many memories and successes because I’ve challenged myself and constantly stepped out of my comfort zone. Moving is the harder choice for this coming year, but it still feels like the right one.

A gigantic cry is waiting for me when I get back up north and dang will it feel good. I can keep it together until then.

DBSA Meeting

December 18, 2017

I went to the DBSA group therapy meeting tonight for the first time. I plan to go again when it starts back up in January.

Therapy like this is important and incredible to be apart of, just as it’s a solid reminder to be compliment with treatment. You need support with any major illness, mental disorder, mood disorder, loss, abuse, etc. You need counseling, you may need medication, and with some of those situations; you may be willingly seeking the treatment. I write about the things I have had or currently experience because those are the subjects I know. As much as it’s right for my family to know I have bipolar and panic disorder, it’s more important for my actual support system to be made up of friends, counselors, or therapy friends who can relate and understand what I am going through. Pity, worry, or disappointment aren’t emotions that help me correct my depression/hypomania because those emotions don’t make any difference. Correction, they make me feel ashamed of something I can’t help.

Just today, I locked in a January appointment with my psychiatrist to discuss medication and get a new prescription. Tonight, I attended the community DBSA group therapy at the hospital. Tomorrow, I plan to call back about setting up a counseling appointment with one of the local psychologists. I’m back on medication with the intention of long term use. Granted, right now I’m feeling good. This is all a different story when I am depressed or eventually get tired of taking such calculated care of myself. (I feel like I’ve talked in other posts about how strict my weekly exercise schedule and gain-weight-diet-plan is.)

So, I’m nervous that someday in the future I will be non-compliant with treatment again. I’m also nervous walking into the spring semester because some of my most severe depressions have started around January. But, I have to emphasize on here and mostly to myself just how drastically different I am today compared to one year ago. At this point, I have so much hope and confidence back in myself. I feel strong and at ease with the diagnosis, which is a feeling I never thought I would get to. For the longest time, I was still making up speeches in my head how I would propose to my psychiatrist that I was wrong about the symptoms I’d described and that I was actually probably just depressed not bipolar, so could he just give me a new diagnosis so I wouldn’t have to carry this one with me forever?… It’s taken so long to get to this point of acceptance, and I have to remember how important that is.

Doomed

November 9, 2017

Update, Wednesday night I told her I haven’t been taking my meds. At first, she started to tell me about her med regime and how its worked though she hates it and blah blah…I stopped her. I told her I wasn’t asking for her advice, but that I was informing her of my decision…that I made months ago.

At which point she made me realize, with no effort on her part, that she is one of the most amazing people I will ever meet. And we’re not on a break, or breaking up because she is trying to get me and get where I’m at and she’s willing to give me that time. In our case, it will be a months time because she’s leaving for a trip and its almost Thanksgiving. When she’s back I think I’m going to stay with her.

No idea now if its because I feel guilty about wanting to leave or not. Part of me thinks this decision to leave her might correlate with one of my moods and that I’ll regret leaving her in a few weeks. Another part of me is prepared to have a breakup speech ready in one month.


So, tonight I got a text message from my last fuck friend (I fucking hate the word buddy). He asked how I was (since it’s been three years) and was I happy at my job and oh hey here’s your first dick pic in two years because I’ve missed you this much. The pic kind of threw me, but it’s not unwanted. We were friends for over a year. He was the first cop I ever slept with and could actually use to my benefit (got my bff at the time out of a speeding ticket). And he was/is a decent human being, like a part of me still misses him because he just accepted my crazy, kinky, awkwardness and made me feel sexy for it.

And we talked, and we’re both in a limbo with our SO for different reasons. But we got on the subject of open relationships and he told me I’d have no problem finding one, but would I like it? Am I just not built for monogamous ones or should I go to fuck friends for a while before trying a relationship again?

I’m so fucking terrified of settling with someone because of my anxiety wanting me to feel comfortable and safe. And I’m so fucking terrified of becoming a serial dater because my moods won’t stay constant enough for me to be enthralled by just one person or I’m doomed to cheat or find people who don’t have time to stay and “get me.” 

So do I stay with her? Do I breakup with her and find a fuck friend? Did I just not find the right person originally and I’m missing out on that perfect girl/guy because I’m holding onto this relationship with N?

I’ve got one month to figure my shit out.