December 27, 2017

I’m feeling so many emotions, so many right now that I want to sob. I don’t cry at home though. That’s another long story, but my family gets so upset when I cry in front of them. They accuse me of being unstable for days after they see me cry, so I just try and keep it together when I’m home.

I really want to cry though. I just emailed both of my principals (my most respected ones) and asked for a reference letter so that I can start applying to other schools for next year. The one I’m most intimidated by replied back to me; “Of course. Makes me sad but I understand.”

I can be a narcissistic asshole in all areas in my life, except at my job. At my job I am deeply insecure and self critical. Knowing an authority figure at my job respects me enough to send a sweet email in reference to my leaving makes me feel so good and sad all at once. My first immediate thought was to type back that I was just kidding, that really I would probably stay at my job at that school forever.

I’m terrified of moving. I know it’s all I’ve talked about for months now, but that’s because I just want to be someplace different. The actual process of moving for the first time since starting teaching is almost enough anxiety to make me never want to leave. I’m good at this job, I love these people I work with, why should I ever leave?

Because the pay is low and the area is poor and I’m far from family. But I want to move out of state where I’ll be even further from family? But that’s because I want to move to Denver and I know better than to justify my fear and never act on my dreams. So why apply to BloNo? Is it just for Liz or Nicole (who you are probably breaking up with next weekend)? It feels like it’s for them or it’s for family, which makes me nervous. But what makes me more nervous is still not knowing where I should be looking to move when I’m only months away from that decision. Living in BloNo with Liz would be cost efficient, but what if she never wants to leave the state? Moving to Denver for August seems too drastic.

My anxiety spirals in my head with this daily. I might have a headache from all the hours spent worrying today about those three emails I just sent. There’s so many open questions that I can’t answer for months, which is why I have the doctor’s appointments for more meds and a counselor set up for next week. I am preparing for this spring because I know it’ll be stressful.

Only a little sliver of myself is excited to move. The majority of me is terrified and stressed and confused, but I don’t think I’m wrong with this decision, which is comforting. I think moving is the correct decision for this coming year because staying at my current job would just be me settling with what is comfortable and safe for me. I have bipolar and anxiety and panic attacks, but I am high functioning with all of them. I’ve gotten this far with this many memories and successes because I’ve challenged myself and constantly stepped out of my comfort zone. Moving is the harder choice for this coming year, but it still feels like the right one.

A gigantic cry is waiting for me when I get back up north and dang will it feel good. I can keep it together until then.

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December 18, 2017

I went to the DBSA group therapy meeting tonight for the first time. I plan to go again when it starts back up in January.

Therapy like this is important and incredible to be apart of, just as it’s a solid reminder to be compliment with treatment. You need support with any major illness, mental disorder, mood disorder, loss, abuse, etc. You need counseling, you may need medication, and with some of those situations; you may be willingly seeking the treatment. I write about the things I have had or currently experience because those are the subjects I know. As much as it’s right for my family to know I have bipolar and panic disorder, it’s more important for my actual support system to be made up of friends, counselors, or therapy friends who can relate and understand what I am going through. Pity, worry, or disappointment aren’t emotions that help me correct my depression/hypomania because those emotions don’t make any difference. Correction, they make me feel ashamed of something I can’t help.

Just today, I locked in a January appointment with my psychiatrist to discuss medication and get a new prescription. Tonight, I attended the community DBSA group therapy at the hospital. Tomorrow, I plan to call back about setting up a counseling appointment with one of the local psychologists. I’m back on medication with the intention of long term use. Granted, right now I’m feeling good. This is all a different story when I am depressed or eventually get tired of taking such calculated care of myself. (I feel like I’ve talked in other posts about how strict my weekly exercise schedule and gain-weight-diet-plan is.)

So, I’m nervous that someday in the future I will be non-compliant with treatment again. I’m also nervous walking into the spring semester because some of my most severe depressions have started around January. But, I have to emphasize on here and mostly to myself just how drastically different I am today compared to one year ago. At this point, I have so much hope and confidence back in myself. I feel strong and at ease with the diagnosis, which is a feeling I never thought I would get to. For the longest time, I was still making up speeches in my head how I would propose to my psychiatrist that I was wrong about the symptoms I’d described and that I was actually probably just depressed not bipolar, so could he just give me a new diagnosis so I wouldn’t have to carry this one with me forever?… It’s taken so long to get to this point of acceptance, and I have to remember how important that is.

November 9, 2017

Update, Wednesday night I told her I haven’t been taking my meds. At first, she started to tell me about her med regime and how its worked though she hates it and blah blah…I stopped her. I told her I wasn’t asking for her advice, but that I was informing her of my decision…that I made months ago.

At which point she made me realize, with no effort on her part, that she is one of the most amazing people I will ever meet. And we’re not on a break, or breaking up because she is trying to get me and get where I’m at and she’s willing to give me that time. In our case, it will be a months time because she’s leaving for a trip and its almost Thanksgiving. When she’s back I think I’m going to stay with her.

No idea now if its because I feel guilty about wanting to leave or not. Part of me thinks this decision to leave her might correlate with one of my moods and that I’ll regret leaving her in a few weeks. Another part of me is prepared to have a breakup speech ready in one month.


So, tonight I got a text message from my last fuck friend (I fucking hate the word buddy). He asked how I was (since it’s been three years) and was I happy at my job and oh hey here’s your first dick pic in two years because I’ve missed you this much. The pic kind of threw me, but it’s not unwanted. We were friends for over a year. He was the first cop I ever slept with and could actually use to my benefit (got my bff at the time out of a speeding ticket). And he was/is a decent human being, like a part of me still misses him because he just accepted my crazy, kinky, awkwardness and made me feel sexy for it.

And we talked, and we’re both in a limbo with our SO for different reasons. But we got on the subject of open relationships and he told me I’d have no problem finding one, but would I like it? Am I just not built for monogamous ones or should I go to fuck friends for a while before trying a relationship again?

I’m so fucking terrified of settling with someone because of my anxiety wanting me to feel comfortable and safe. And I’m so fucking terrified of becoming a serial dater because my moods won’t stay constant enough for me to be enthralled by just one person or I’m doomed to cheat or find people who don’t have time to stay and “get me.” 

So do I stay with her? Do I breakup with her and find a fuck friend? Did I just not find the right person originally and I’m missing out on that perfect girl/guy because I’m holding onto this relationship with N?

I’ve got one month to figure my shit out.