November 29, 2017

Monday – Ran 3 miles with the group

Tuesday – Accomplished nothing, anxiety attack then guilt for the rest of the night

Wednesday – Finished 1/2 of grocery shopping, went to the fancy yoga class

Tomorrow I need to finish the last 1/2 of my grocery shopping and go running again with the group (3-4 miles). Friday is cooking/baking/cleaning night.

Was supposed to drive down and spend the weekend with Nicole, but Liz texted and asked if she could come up and spend the weekend to talk and get away from her life for a bit. I’m regretting the relationship with Nicole and happy for an excuse not to go down. Regardless; Liz comes first, always.

 

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August 13, 2017

N and I met yesterday.

I got into the airport Friday night at 10:30 pm and made it to my apartment with my parents by 1:15 am. We crashed, woke up and drank coffee, walked about 2 miles that morning with my mom, then showered and drove down together to the cities.

I lied and told them I was meeting my best friend at the food truck music festival instead of saying it was N. They don’t know N and there’s no way for me to describe her without coming right out and saying that was a date I was about to go on with her.

But it was and they didn’t know and they hugged me and left and I sat in the stands a while and waited for N who showed up, apologizing that I had to pay for my own ticket in, though I hadn’t really thought twice about it before she said that. We talked for forever in the stands (like a few hours), with a local rock band playing screamo in the background. Finally, went to grab food at one of the food trucks and she immediately paid for me. I did offer and she took control, which doesn’t get any less awkward of a moment for me in dating situations. So we sat and ate and talked more and eventually hugged before we parted ways.

I went out then stayed the night with my best friend. I did have to come out to her when I first got to her apartment, and right after the date, which I made quite uncomfortable. I realized as I was coming out that I couldn’t have her think I liked her, so I emphasized that, and all for nothing because I love her and should’ve known she would have the best reaction on the planet.

“Why did you tell me not to freak out? That’s so normal, also, when are you going to see her again?” ♥

I met up with N again today before I left to drive back to my apartment. She brought her dog and we walked a few miles on the bike trail that runs through both cities. We talked more and more and agreed to try and find a weekend soon that works to see each other again. We hugged, and she kissed me on the cheek, which I couldn’t stop smiling.

I don’t want to be an hour from her. I really want things to work and I can’t help feeling doubt that this won’t lead to anything more when I really really really really want it to.