Happy Birthday

My birthday is tomorrow and I don’t think there will be a birthday well-wish, present, or Facebook post that can top the text my mom just sent me, gender neutral pronouns and all.

Being loved exactly as I am is always my ultimate wish, every year. ❤

 

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Hope

I’ve always loved windows from the vantage point of a bed. Even before the rape evening spent staring at his window blinds for 4 hours or more, I’ve always loved windows. They’re a comforting reminder of something more.

This is my current bedroom view and it’s by far my favorite in the world. Even before entering the room, the rainbows are reflected on our hallway hardwood. It’s beautiful and it makes me so happy to see it hanging there.


It’s been a busy weekend. Lots of blog posts and nostalgic venting via computer screen. There were also 2 dates, a race, 2 church services at 2 different churches, 1 free meditation class, and 2 hours worth of roommate bonding.

The first date was at 1:00 at the local pizza place where we both got beers and talked for 2 hours. She looked strikingly similar to Nicole but actually talked about her faith and need to find other queer Christian women to date. I like her, but we’re in similar places in that we don’t want to jump into a relationship anytime soon. I don’t think she even wants to hang out again until after her major career test in two weeks. However, on the date, she talked about the church she attends and invited me to check it out.

This morning I attended the 9:00 service at Clearview Church. About halfway through the Clearview service, I left and drove 6 minutes down the road to the Hope Church service at 10:00. She was a welcome team member at the door. I was a little horrified to be that person who shows up to her church, but I tried to remind my brain that she wasn’t the thing drawing me there. She told me about the church, but the thought of being surrounded by other queers was enough to get there and through the door. She was kind and I saw at least 5 queer people just on my way in and up the stairs.

By the time I took my seat, worship started and one of the lead pastors came to talk with me. She introduced herself and told me that a little less than half of the entire congregation was queer and out. Unexpectedly, my eyes teared up and I managed to tell her how excited I was to be there. She was so loving and welcoming.

So the service was amazing and I want to go to their small groups and services every Sunday and bingo night at the gay club in town and everything where I can be surrounded by queers.

The 5k race was great and painful and like every race ever, my time was 38 minutes, something seconds. No hard feelings, except I thought I was faster by now. Did get to see all my current running group friends and all my old running group friends. It felt good to have them so happy for me and so loving together.

The second date was after the race at 8:00 at Rosie’s in downtown Bloomington. She was gorgeous. I think I kept telling her that over the course of the night. We talked for hours at the bar, each having two drinks, then took a walk together around the block. Downtown Bloomington is okay for a short walk in the lighted areas, but isn’t safe for queer handholding so I just walked extra close to her.

I like both of them? I want to pursue the first in a friendly, grow on slow type of way, and I want to ask the second out again soon.

Honestly, I’m just beyond happy to have this church and the opportunities of queer people in the community as well as beautiful queer women to date.


I admitted to both dates that my label of “queer” or “bisexual” isn’t quite right. That I’m gay, I’m still just a little afraid to use the label. But already this weekend, I’ve openly repeated to myself the February 11 blog posts and that what happened that night was rape.

I’ve repeated to myself that I am gay. I’ve repeated that I have been raped. I’ve repeated that I love and accept myself. Those 3 statements are beyond hard to admit to myself and continue to process, but already I feel so free and so much relief.

 

iPhone – Timeline

July 7, 2018

December 12, 2016: I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and Panic Disorder

June 1, 2017: I came out to my family about having both disorders

December 31, 2017: I came out to my sister as bisexual

January 1, 2018: I came out to my parents as bisexual

July 6, 2018: I admitted to myself I’d been raped on February 11, 2011, I used the R word

July 7, 2018: I admitted to myself that I’m not bisexual, I’m gay

 

 

It’s a process and it’s always updating.

Family

Me to my dad as he continued to talk over me: “YOU DON’T GET A VOICE. YOU DON’T GET A VOICE.”

Him: “I always like your natural hair better. Why did you have to dye it so reddish?”

*It’s not red, but with box dye (after a bad professional job that turned the back of my hair orange), it’s the closest I could come to my natural reddish brown color*

Him: “It looks like you have a worm in your ear.”

*Daith piercing, which I was extremely open and upfront about the purpose of getting it to help with my anxiety/panic disorder* He still doesn’t believe I have either disorder.

Him: “You know, I’ll always be willing to pay to have those tattoos removed.”

I got them so I could fucking cope with my world. My world of bipolar and ptsd and queerness and independence and anxiety.

I got them to fucking cope and none of these things are a joke to me. 


Everything he criticizes me about are all the things I’ve done to help myself, but I’ve tried to be as respectful as I can about them. My tattoos are mostly hidden, I don’t talk about my mental health openly anymore, my hair is always dyed a natural hair color (also for work), and I am fucking stable, always.

I just want, deep down, I just want my dad and mom to be proud of me. I want them to be proud of all of me, not just the things I’ve done and the independence/space I’ve created. I won’t get them to love the tattoos or hair dye or girlfriends I bring home or even accept that I’m gay. I really wish they would, but at the very least, I wish they wouldn’t openly tell me how disappointed they are. I wish they’d keep those comments, those thoughts, to themselves.

I dread hearing how much of me they don’t like.

iPhone – Exes

June 20, 2018

I miss Nicole. We broke up on February 24, 2018, and have barely talked since. I broke up with her and I don’t entirely regret it, I just miss her emotionally. I do regret not having complete sex with her, I really regret that.

Laura and I dated from May 19, 2018, to June 15, 2018. I couldn’t handle her with her chronic illness and intense clingy demands so she broke up with me.

After Laura

Laura and I broke up Friday morning, 4 days short of our 1 month anniversary. She did most the talking and seemed like she wanted to move past the Wednesday night no-call fuck up. I disagreed and asked for a break because, as I explained to her, I think I’ve been hypomanic for a few days.

Regardless, I’ve been off my medication for about a month now and have done nothing (supplements, exercise, counseling, yoga, diets, meditation) to cope. Literally, I’ve done nothing, I just keep putting it off because I’m busy. So now its kind of come to a head and I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread and it feels a little dangerous.

She took a breath, then asked what my coping mechanisms are because her mother has bipolar too and she has “already been through that pain and disappointment” and needs me to be “strong and a constant emotional support during these hard times with surgeries and the healing process the next few weeks” and I can’t be that. Without thinking about what I want, looking ahead, I can’t be that support because I’m not stable enough.

So she broke up with me. And it sucks. And like Nicole, I don’t feel like I’ll feel anything for a few weeks until it hits. Or maybe, since we only dated for a month I won’t feel much at all. But, we lost our final virginities to each other. I call it that because each of us did everything else with other partners, except giving oral sex, and scissoring was new to each of us too I guess.

I want to drink and have sex with gals (maybe go back to guys?) and figure out what living unstable is really going to mean.

Laura

I fucked up last night in the way that I was supposed to call you to give “emotional support” before your surgery, but I didn’t.

I texted you an apology and a question this morning about how the surgery went. You replied “hmu with a call sometime today or tomorrow.”

I feel like shit. Last night I almost puked when I read your text about how “disappointed/hurt” you are because I didn’t call to give “emotional support before a scary time” when I’d said that morning I would and it couldn’t just been a “quick call” instead of nothing.

Except, you don’t have “quick calls.” This is your 5th surgery in the past 5 years. You’ve got a chronic illness and there’s not a time in your near future when I think even you know you’ll be stable again. Not to say you’re going to die, just, you’re going to be in pain for a while. I feel guilty that I told you I could handle the fact that you are sick. I feel frustrated that just yesterday morning in your bed you hinted at wanting to tell me you loved me and wanting to hear it back.

It’s been 1 month, Laura. I feel frustrated with myself that I can’t handle what happening to you and so guilty that what I want most right now is to be left alone, not to call you or be in a relationship with you anymore. I fucked up last night by not calling and I don’t want to face that conversation, but I also don’t want to be in this constant state of apologizing.

But, you are pretty smart. I think you’ve figured this out, or else you really are so hurt that you’re giving me this space.

Like I said, I feel like shit. I also have a killer headache and an inability to sleep or eat. I’m pretty 98% positive I’ve been in a hypomanic episode since Tuesday. What I need to do is call you and talk to straighten this out. What I need is silence and space for a while to get back on track.

It’s been short and it feels like you and me have potential to be a lot of things. Mostly, I no longer want to feel like I’m suffocating. I don’t want to keep putting off my own self care for you and for our relationship so I could call you each night (1 hour minimum), and text you constantly, and it’s just too much stress.

I just want to be alone from everyone.

Crying spells

I met a girl in early May. We started dating 2 weeks ago and 1 week ago I fully tapered off/then quit cold turkey from my psychiatric medications.

The withdrawal symptoms are described in a recent post, but in short, that week was physically AWFUL. Still, I get little heart flutters and am slow to stand up. The nausea has mostly died down and the migraines are gone (thankfully).

The new symptom is the crying spells. I saw an old picture of my sister’s elementary soccer team posted on Facebook and bawled for hours last night. My sister is alive and well and living with my parents, but just seeing her little baby face in that picture still brings sad, desperate tears.

Why? I couldn’t figure it out with the timing because I’m no where near PMS and the physical withdrawal ended last week. So I googled it. It’s apparently super normal for people (major depression and bipolar 2 patients alike) to experience crying spells lasting for hours and suicidal idealization after withdrawing from the same anti-depressants and antipsychotics that I did.

So the fact that I’ve spent about 6 combined hours between last night and tonight crying over my baby sister’s elementary soccer photo is justified.

Do I want to tell my new girl about the crying spells? No, mostly from shame and a little from worry. Bipolar 2 keeps me from talking about it because I’m either stuck worrying that my loved ones will instantly think my crying spells or low thoughts mean I’m suicidal, and I don’t want to worry them. Or, that I don’t have a good enough reason to be sad, so I feel ashamed of my puffy eyes and scratchy throat.

My new girl’s been through hell and back with her physical disease and even though she knows about my Bipolar and tells me I have every right to feel pain and sadness and struggle on some days, I still feel like I don’t have a good enough reason to be crying compared to everything she’s been through and the way she handles all of it. And what I’m describing is textbook for how a lot of depressive/Bipolar people feel about their disorders, I know this. I know I should be able to feel all of these intense emotions (now more so since coming off the medications) and be open with loved ones, especially my girlfriend, about this, but I’m still ashamed of it. I want to feel all the emotions, just not the sad-for-no-reason ones? I know that’s not how it works.

iPhone – Cameron

May 5, 2018

Cameron kissed me last night when I was drunk. We were under his sheets in our underwear and I told him I didn’t want to have sex. What I couldn’t tell him was that I didn’t feel a single thing when he kissed me. He’s good and sweet and the kiss was normal, I’m just in no way attracted to him, I guess?

It’s been almost 2 years since I had sex with a guy and I’m really wondering if that desire will ever come back. I’ve been into girls for the past 2 years and that’s still all I want.

Cameron described me to his roommate as bisexual in that I’m physically attracted to both men and women, but more emotionally attracted to women. I want to say that’s accurate, but the more time passes, the more I wonder if I’m just a lesbian and, like Hanna said, was only with guys because they were convenient and comfortable.

I’m so at peace and in love with myself and still so questioning of my sexuality. It feels amazing that all those emotions can exist at once.

I feel it

like a fire. I am going to start walking myself off the antipsychotics starting tonight. Then just stay with the antidepressant for a bit. Then schedule a doctors appointment for soon, then just get on antidepressants then be okay with just those. No more psychiatrists, just general doctors.

I hate the meds. I want to feel everything again. Its kind of terrifying, but it’s more terrifying to enter into another relationship with a clouded mind and barely any emotions. I feel everything so much more grandly when I’m not on meds.

Honestly, with still questioning my sexuality and if I really ever liked men at all, I want to feel it all with a woman, nothing held back or muted.

So I’m still terrified this will backfire on me, but we’re going to try it. Maybe I can function just fine without the heavy duty meds…