“I feel like I annoy you”

Instead of answering that, I told you that there are some times I want to know how you’re doing. Just some times.

I don’t know why I keep track of him, or message him occasionally. I feel so far away from the girl I was when him and I were meeting up. He was the third person I slept with.

The girl in deep v-necks and short shorts meeting up in dark parking lots or abandoned fishing spots by the lake. The girl who liked sex best in public spaces or at night on his bed in the blue glow of the TV static.

He private messaged on Facebook almost exactly as Ben and I stopped sleeping together for the summer. I went home and added Seth as my number three. Seth and I met up on and off for the next 4 years. Every time we just got a little closer as people, never dated, just there for each other through the years.

Sometimes he did annoy me, but never for reasons that were his fault.

Back then, more than anything, I wanted control over my life. I don’t blame myself anymore for wanting that. Just, when I look back and think of Seth, that need follows and I don’t like it. I don’t like all my memories from those years where the rape was still so fresh.

Thank you, Seth: “Well I think pretty highly of you to be honest. Always made me feel like I had your attention when we were together which I do cherish. I don’t often feel like I matter to ppl but you always made me feel like I have value to you. If that makes any kind of sense.”

It does. I tried to answer the best I could.

 

 

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Doomed

November 9, 2017

Update, Wednesday night I told her I haven’t been taking my meds. At first, she started to tell me about her med regime and how its worked though she hates it and blah blah…I stopped her. I told her I wasn’t asking for her advice, but that I was informing her of my decision…that I made months ago.

At which point she made me realize, with no effort on her part, that she is one of the most amazing people I will ever meet. And we’re not on a break, or breaking up because she is trying to get me and get where I’m at and she’s willing to give me that time. In our case, it will be a months time because she’s leaving for a trip and its almost Thanksgiving. When she’s back I think I’m going to stay with her.

No idea now if its because I feel guilty about wanting to leave or not. Part of me thinks this decision to leave her might correlate with one of my moods and that I’ll regret leaving her in a few weeks. Another part of me is prepared to have a breakup speech ready in one month.


So, tonight I got a text message from my last fuck friend (I fucking hate the word buddy). He asked how I was (since it’s been three years) and was I happy at my job and oh hey here’s your first dick pic in two years because I’ve missed you this much. The pic kind of threw me, but it’s not unwanted. We were friends for over a year. He was the first cop I ever slept with and could actually use to my benefit (got my bff at the time out of a speeding ticket). And he was/is a decent human being, like a part of me still misses him because he just accepted my crazy, kinky, awkwardness and made me feel sexy for it.

And we talked, and we’re both in a limbo with our SO for different reasons. But we got on the subject of open relationships and he told me I’d have no problem finding one, but would I like it? Am I just not built for monogamous ones or should I go to fuck friends for a while before trying a relationship again?

I’m so fucking terrified of settling with someone because of my anxiety wanting me to feel comfortable and safe. And I’m so fucking terrified of becoming a serial dater because my moods won’t stay constant enough for me to be enthralled by just one person or I’m doomed to cheat or find people who don’t have time to stay and “get me.” 

So do I stay with her? Do I breakup with her and find a fuck friend? Did I just not find the right person originally and I’m missing out on that perfect girl/guy because I’m holding onto this relationship with N?

I’ve got one month to figure my shit out.