Leg work

On my end will be the mental stuff

Like telling myself I’m good enough.

I want you to make me strong

So everyone else knows it.

But really, I’ve joined 2 running groups, a biking group, 1 yoga studio, and 1 gym with hopefully 1 personal trainer.

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Time and place

When was a time where you came the closest to killing yourself?

A lightening storm in ’08…

Not when you were still just thinking about it.

A college dorm in ’11…

But when you almost left.

A kitchen floor in ’16…

So only a few times, that’s no so bad…

Relief

There was a statement I read off a suicide prevention blog back in high school.

“If you kill your self then you will never be around long enough to feel the relief of death, your last moments on earth will be in pain.”

Every time a suicide idealization came back into my thoughts I’d remember this sentence and it would instantly bring me back to reality again. I wish I could remember what site I was on or had some way of letting that person know just how powerful that sentence was, just how many times it saved my life over the last 10 years.

After Laura

Laura and I broke up Friday morning, 4 days short of our 1 month anniversary. She did most the talking and seemed like she wanted to move past the Wednesday night no-call fuck up. I disagreed and asked for a break because, as I explained to her, I think I’ve been hypomanic for a few days.

Regardless, I’ve been off my medication for about a month now and have done nothing (supplements, exercise, counseling, yoga, diets, meditation) to cope. Literally, I’ve done nothing, I just keep putting it off because I’m busy. So now its kind of come to a head and I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread and it feels a little dangerous.

She took a breath, then asked what my coping mechanisms are because her mother has bipolar too and she has “already been through that pain and disappointment” and needs me to be “strong and a constant emotional support during these hard times with surgeries and the healing process the next few weeks” and I can’t be that. Without thinking about what I want, looking ahead, I can’t be that support because I’m not stable enough.

So she broke up with me. And it sucks. And like Nicole, I don’t feel like I’ll feel anything for a few weeks until it hits. Or maybe, since we only dated for a month I won’t feel much at all. But, we lost our final virginities to each other. I call it that because each of us did everything else with other partners, except giving oral sex, and scissoring was new to each of us too I guess.

I want to drink and have sex with gals (maybe go back to guys?) and figure out what living unstable is really going to mean.

Laura

I fucked up last night in the way that I was supposed to call you to give “emotional support” before your surgery, but I didn’t.

I texted you an apology and a question this morning about how the surgery went. You replied “hmu with a call sometime today or tomorrow.”

I feel like shit. Last night I almost puked when I read your text about how “disappointed/hurt” you are because I didn’t call to give “emotional support before a scary time” when I’d said that morning I would and it couldn’t just been a “quick call” instead of nothing.

Except, you don’t have “quick calls.” This is your 5th surgery in the past 5 years. You’ve got a chronic illness and there’s not a time in your near future when I think even you know you’ll be stable again. Not to say you’re going to die, just, you’re going to be in pain for a while. I feel guilty that I told you I could handle the fact that you are sick. I feel frustrated that just yesterday morning in your bed you hinted at wanting to tell me you loved me and wanting to hear it back.

It’s been 1 month, Laura. I feel frustrated with myself that I can’t handle what happening to you and so guilty that what I want most right now is to be left alone, not to call you or be in a relationship with you anymore. I fucked up last night by not calling and I don’t want to face that conversation, but I also don’t want to be in this constant state of apologizing.

But, you are pretty smart. I think you’ve figured this out, or else you really are so hurt that you’re giving me this space.

Like I said, I feel like shit. I also have a killer headache and an inability to sleep or eat. I’m pretty 98% positive I’ve been in a hypomanic episode since Tuesday. What I need to do is call you and talk to straighten this out. What I need is silence and space for a while to get back on track.

It’s been short and it feels like you and me have potential to be a lot of things. Mostly, I no longer want to feel like I’m suffocating. I don’t want to keep putting off my own self care for you and for our relationship so I could call you each night (1 hour minimum), and text you constantly, and it’s just too much stress.

I just want to be alone from everyone.

November 7, 2017

Next tattoo. Back of right arm.

Hair is going darker as well.

I haven’t left her yet. Or told her I want to leave.

The cup isn’t half empty or half full, its just a cup, and its up to me to fill it up.

I can’t wake up every morning, or stop after every purchase, or rethink every extra nap as depression or mania. I can’t keep evaluating my days and categorizing my moods, it will drive me insane-er.

The waves of the sea will bring me back to me.