Happy Birthday

My birthday is tomorrow and I don’t think there will be a birthday well-wish, present, or Facebook post that can top the text my mom just sent me, gender neutral pronouns and all.

Being loved exactly as I am is always my ultimate wish, every year. ❤

 

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Hope

I’ve always loved windows from the vantage point of a bed. Even before the rape evening spent staring at his window blinds for 4 hours or more, I’ve always loved windows. They’re a comforting reminder of something more.

This is my current bedroom view and it’s by far my favorite in the world. Even before entering the room, the rainbows are reflected on our hallway hardwood. It’s beautiful and it makes me so happy to see it hanging there.


It’s been a busy weekend. Lots of blog posts and nostalgic venting via computer screen. There were also 2 dates, a race, 2 church services at 2 different churches, 1 free meditation class, and 2 hours worth of roommate bonding.

The first date was at 1:00 at the local pizza place where we both got beers and talked for 2 hours. She looked strikingly similar to Nicole but actually talked about her faith and need to find other queer Christian women to date. I like her, but we’re in similar places in that we don’t want to jump into a relationship anytime soon. I don’t think she even wants to hang out again until after her major career test in two weeks. However, on the date, she talked about the church she attends and invited me to check it out.

This morning I attended the 9:00 service at Clearview Church. About halfway through the Clearview service, I left and drove 6 minutes down the road to the Hope Church service at 10:00. She was a welcome team member at the door. I was a little horrified to be that person who shows up to her church, but I tried to remind my brain that she wasn’t the thing drawing me there. She told me about the church, but the thought of being surrounded by other queers was enough to get there and through the door. She was kind and I saw at least 5 queer people just on my way in and up the stairs.

By the time I took my seat, worship started and one of the lead pastors came to talk with me. She introduced herself and told me that a little less than half of the entire congregation was queer and out. Unexpectedly, my eyes teared up and I managed to tell her how excited I was to be there. She was so loving and welcoming.

So the service was amazing and I want to go to their small groups and services every Sunday and bingo night at the gay club in town and everything where I can be surrounded by queers.

The 5k race was great and painful and like every race ever, my time was 38 minutes, something seconds. No hard feelings, except I thought I was faster by now. Did get to see all my current running group friends and all my old running group friends. It felt good to have them so happy for me and so loving together.

The second date was after the race at 8:00 at Rosie’s in downtown Bloomington. She was gorgeous. I think I kept telling her that over the course of the night. We talked for hours at the bar, each having two drinks, then took a walk together around the block. Downtown Bloomington is okay for a short walk in the lighted areas, but isn’t safe for queer handholding so I just walked extra close to her.

I like both of them? I want to pursue the first in a friendly, grow on slow type of way, and I want to ask the second out again soon.

Honestly, I’m just beyond happy to have this church and the opportunities of queer people in the community as well as beautiful queer women to date.


I admitted to both dates that my label of “queer” or “bisexual” isn’t quite right. That I’m gay, I’m still just a little afraid to use the label. But already this weekend, I’ve openly repeated to myself the February 11 blog posts and that what happened that night was rape.

I’ve repeated to myself that I am gay. I’ve repeated that I have been raped. I’ve repeated that I love and accept myself. Those 3 statements are beyond hard to admit to myself and continue to process, but already I feel so free and so much relief.

 

iPhone – Exes

June 20, 2018

I miss Nicole. We broke up on February 24, 2018, and have barely talked since. I broke up with her and I don’t entirely regret it, I just miss her emotionally. I do regret not having complete sex with her, I really regret that.

Laura and I dated from May 19, 2018, to June 15, 2018. I couldn’t handle her with her chronic illness and intense clingy demands so she broke up with me.

iPhone – Cameron

May 5, 2018

Cameron kissed me last night when I was drunk. We were under his sheets in our underwear and I told him I didn’t want to have sex. What I couldn’t tell him was that I didn’t feel a single thing when he kissed me. He’s good and sweet and the kiss was normal, I’m just in no way attracted to him, I guess?

It’s been almost 2 years since I had sex with a guy and I’m really wondering if that desire will ever come back. I’ve been into girls for the past 2 years and that’s still all I want.

Cameron described me to his roommate as bisexual in that I’m physically attracted to both men and women, but more emotionally attracted to women. I want to say that’s accurate, but the more time passes, the more I wonder if I’m just a lesbian and, like Hanna said, was only with guys because they were convenient and comfortable.

I’m so at peace and in love with myself and still so questioning of my sexuality. It feels amazing that all those emotions can exist at once.

I feel it

like a fire. I am going to start walking myself off the antipsychotics starting tonight. Then just stay with the antidepressant for a bit. Then schedule a doctors appointment for soon, then just get on antidepressants then be okay with just those. No more psychiatrists, just general doctors.

I hate the meds. I want to feel everything again. Its kind of terrifying, but it’s more terrifying to enter into another relationship with a clouded mind and barely any emotions. I feel everything so much more grandly when I’m not on meds.

Honestly, with still questioning my sexuality and if I really ever liked men at all, I want to feel it all with a woman, nothing held back or muted.

So I’m still terrified this will backfire on me, but we’re going to try it. Maybe I can function just fine without the heavy duty meds…

Please never find this

November 28, 2017

When I actually go back and think about Southern Illinois or Red River, New Mexico I seriously start to believe you can leave pieces of your heart in the places you’ve lived. It breaks me to think I’ll probably never see some of those friends again, ever again. They exist, just not in my life anymore. Tonight, that’s a mind fuck.

Nicole and I made confirmed our relationship (again) two days ago and I semi regret ever labeling myself monogamous.

Please never find this blog.

Lesbian relationships can be swift and short, right?

Please hurry

October 12, 2017

Can 2018 be here already? I want to see the new jobs on the IL ISBE job bank. I want to start planning my life outside of this town. I want to not fucking work at this school anymore.

I want to be reckless and move to a city just because that’s where my best friend and my girlfriend live.